


Every way I go, I have to lose

by discodeaky65



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brian Needs a Hug, Depression, Divorce, Eventual Smut, Family, Family Feels, Fluff, Freddie's death, Mentioned Freddie Mercury, Reconciliation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, hard times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:54:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21598735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discodeaky65/pseuds/discodeaky65
Summary: Brian's depression that began just after his Dad's death and his failing marriage begins to paralyze him after Freddie passes away. Wondering what he has left in life, Brian complentates his quality of life and questions whether he's a good Father to his children
Relationships: Brian May/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. Introduction

November 24th 1991  
London, England

_Cassandra/Brian_

* * *

  
"I'll tell him when he comes home, I hope you're well Peter"

  
Usually denial was something Cassandra never truly felt, only since the stillbirth of her first child denial never hit her mind like any emotions. Her Father's death, she simply never had it in her to feel disbelief of that loss. Placing the phone down on the hook, Cassandra falters stifling a silent laugh of a cold shiver of denial. Freddie's not gone anywhere, she was telling herself grabbing the car keys left on the kitchen table. Brian had left early that morning to drop the kids to school, that being said; his behaviour had been odd yet she knew it was nothing more than the recent events of a near divorce than Freddie supposedly being dead. 

  
She glanced over at the living room bookshelf, rows of alphabetically stacked books ranging of different topics and then frames of pictures in front. 

  
Her eyes scanned one picture, two pictures in particular. 1974, the days of Freddie looking almost unrecognisable with his hair shoulder length with the blow dry cut and subtle eyeliner bringing out this youth in his eyes. Back then, the boys had been so lanky and so... skinny. 

Brian never changed with his vegetarian ways maybe a fair amount of weight gained from Fatherhood, John maybe gaining with middle age approaching whereas Roger was up and down with his questionable habits. Freddie had always amazed her, from this lanky body of a young fresh from education into the man who you could simply tell by his facial structure he worked out whether he was jumping up and down and performing with a dramatic will at every Queen tour show or just being Freddie and playing with the kids. 

The picture had been one of those dramatic before scenarios and she couldn't help spending minutes looking at the awkward smile he held in order to hide his teeth (that back in the day were his number one insecurity.) while she was standing beside him smiling and holding a glass of Moet and Chandon, her smile is youthful and radiant and yet she remembered the day as the opposite. It was just, _Freddie_. 

  
The phone call she'd received from Peter had been so sincere, emotional that she suddenly felt a tear stinging her eyes. Maybe the photos of Freddie, the Band and all of them really caused the denying emotions run through her body. Freddie couldn't be dead, it's almost impossible. Every picture of Freddie was like a message, a few scattered on the coffee table ready to be put into an album and at that moment, Freddie's body was something she found herself shivering just looking, not investigating. He was holding hers and Brian's youngest wearing a tuxedo that he must've drowned in, she felt his weight was falling as did Brian, but photos bring the worst in people and unfortunately she was looking at the worst of Freddie, how many nights he spent sick and losing his body. She felt sick, the imagination of how much AIDs caused Freddie Mercury to suffer a downfall of suffering. He must've hurt, felt a war of emotions all while battling the Media and trying to remain everyone's flamboyant Freddie. 

  
_Jim called me this morning, Fred- he's passed away, Cassandra._

  
Peter was emotional, his voice uneasy and he was stuttering as he attempted to get the words out. Sure she and Freddie were extremely close, but she felt like a villain, she felt evil knowing before Brian did and the rush to the phone as she choked out a loud and high pitched sob was something she couldn't hold back. She punched in his number knowing he left with the brick he called a phone and waited, her heart beating faster every ring that echoed through her ears. What was going to make this worse were the kids, the sudden angst she felt at the moment. She didn't want them to see their Mummy and Daddy in bits because it would confuse them, they'd yet to have that talk of losing someone and Freddie dying was about to put them in a position that Brian may as well have dropped dead; they were going to be broken, it was always Uncle Freddie and Uncle Jim, or Can we go see Uncle Freddie Mummay? The children were so innocent, so loved by their lost Uncle that Cassandra couldn't help her sobs freely leave her lips even when the ringing stopped and Brian answered.

  
"Brian," she said stern but emotional, the tone her own Mother used to tell her that her own Father had passed away. She could hear Brian grit his teeth before asking if she was alright. His slight concern wasn't what caught her off guard but his oblivion to the situation and she hated herself that she knew before he did, even more hearing the kids asking to go and see their Uncles- Freddie and Jim. The talk was too difficult to have with them, she decided and it was best Brian took them to her Mother's, who likely might question the situation, but she knew Freddie herself and she knew her Grandkids loved him like a blood relative- too difficult for infants at the moment. "I'm not going to say anything over the phone Brian, it's a face to face conversation. I need you to do me a favour and drop the kids to my Mum's and come home immediately. Please, can you do this without questions." 

  
She hung up, giving no chance for discussion an effect that would make him see something was wrong. She makes her way to the kitchen, bending down to the alcohol cupboard, unlocking the lock and taking the strongest Whiskey there was, Brian was going to need it, and re-locked it taking a shot glass. She set it on the living room coffee table before making herself a cup of tea. She was truly worried that in the half hour it would take him to drop the kids off and drive home, he'd find out. Maybe Roger or John might phone utterly distraught wishing for someone to talk to, though Peter after she'd made it clear that she didn't want anyone to deliver the news had promised to tell them not to mention to Brian. 

  
She'd called her Mum and told her a quick explanation that she needed time to tell her husband; and her Mother being the most understanding Grandparent and likely old and lonely happy to spend time with the Grandkids, had adamantly told her she'd take them to school in the morning meaning she and Brian would be driving fifteen minutes with two sets of school clothes and an overnight bag, and facing the kids that would be confused was going to be hard. 

  
When the front door had opened and closed, Cassandra had to hold back, rubbing at red and puffy eyes while biting her lip as he strode through the living room door looking confused and heavily concerned. He only had to sit down and she was in tears, eyes forcing themselves open as the water built in her iris'. Brian was leaning close, already pouring himself a drink as he placed a hand on the small of her back rubbing in slow circles. She knew his Best Friend had died before he even did and the overwhelming hurt she had for the situation was like a punch to the face. She shook her head, light blonde hair that was beginning to lose it's youthful colour resting messily in a no-effort made plait. "I'm so sorry," She squeaked trying to find the best way possible to break the news to him. Brian, Freddie's dead, it was simple but it felt to blatant and too harshly blunt. She was questioning a way to just come out with it at first and then she was wondering how Freddie would've done it, how would Freddie tell his Best Friend that someone close to them had died. _I'd just go out and say,_ _'Darling he's Dead,'_ Freddie's voice, she heard it like she felt courage telling just to go for it and say it. _Think of him as one of the kids, be gentle and remind him that his Darling Wife will be there for him._

  
"Cassandra, I can't read your mind. Please, sweetheart you're scaring me a bit right now." 

  
She looked up from tear tangled eyelashes, pupils dilating as they locked eyes. His hands were holding hers thumbs circling against hard knuckles encouragingly.

They'd chosen a don't hide feelings marriage and yet this was something that too real, too much to want to reveal. Uncertain that he was going to be truthful, he was going to go off the rails and it was going to be just like their practise divorce, rounds of heavy drinking and disappearing acts fulfilled by rough sex while their children were oblivious of their Mummy and Daddy's pain.

His voice had been on the verge of breaking, he was looking at her with his aging eyes, like warm honey with a mix of mint hidden by manly emotional drops of tears that hit his barely there freckled cheeks. Age was taking his toll on him, she simply acknowledged his features for a long moment, unsure what forty-four should look for a man. 

  
"Peter phoned a little while ago," Brian's eyes dulled, he was pretending to know nothing fake curiosity of why would Peter call when really he knew that this was the call. They hadn't spoken since Charles' birthday party, they'd held a heart to heart as a way in coping when Freddie had shown him, her and Peter the effect of AIDs on his foot. Brian had gone into a short isolation after that, speaking very little and his denial of Freddie being sick had disappeared. 

It was only weeks ago that he came to terms that Freddie really was dying, and four years of disbelief suddenly became four years of astonishment that Freddie continued to act and sing as though he held no pain, as though he had the world in the palm of his hand and he was going to live on and never die- like all legends. 

"I'm so sorry," she said breathless as though she'd run the biggest marathon and she was sure in moments she was going to run away from everything the pain that was wearing her like a designer dress, taking her down into a cadge and locking away every happy memory and replaced with torturous self blame wondering if there was a way she could stop time, stop the disease and help Freddie. Even if it was officially impossible. "Fred- He passed away."

  
Brian's face says what she's thinking, "no," he'd whispered, standing "No," he reiterated louder beginning to shout in the quiet space of home. "No! You're lying- Peter's lying!" He was so understandably angry and she felt so anxious, hands reaching out and pulling him flush against her body regardless that he's bent awkwardly. "He's not dead, Cassandra I swear he's at home doing something maybe he got bored and he's faking his death.., playing some sick joke!" But even Brian knew Freddie would never do that, he'd never play with their feelings. "He can't be gone without saying goodbye."

  
His sobs were gutwrenching, too much for her to take but Cassandra forced herself to. Trying hard to ignore the growing dampness of drool mixed with tears seeping through her thin t-shirt. 

His cry was an ugly, repulsive cry like a baby in a great deal of pain. Currently, she was beginning to tear up and it wasn't all about Freddie anymore, but the sounds of a state that Brian had never ever reached before in all the twenty three years they'd known each other. The twenty three years they'd spent together before Queen, before Freddie. 

He was so inconsolable, so broken it's like cradling one of their children- her instincts of a Mother are stronger than those of a Wife. He crumples, like paper. Knees so pathetically weakened that he collapses in her arms, only a sobbing mess of curls. 

His own Dad had passed a few months ago and Brian hadn't cried as hard as he currently had. He'd gone into isolation after, but Brian never spoke about his Dad. In a way, maybe the failing marriage had taken his focus and his time.

  
_Who wants to spend forever with doubt, I mean do you want to spend Forever picturing Brian with Anita?_

  
_Don't you want to move on from that picture and just show him who gave him everything he wanted?_

  
Freddie was like the diamond on her wedding ring, he stood by her through every bump of her marriage to his Guitarist, he was this big lovable rock that refused to move even in the darkest of moments in time, He could bring a smile to anyone's grim frown with his unpredictable actions, his big toothed smile and his direct words. 

  
With Brian in this state, usually Freddie was the first she would talk to- they'd sit drinking and talking while Brian went off in a mood or when he spent the nights sleeping with Anita. Suddenly it was two ways, she'd never realised it. She always had Freddie to turn and vice versa, if Mary wasn't around, if he didn't want to talk to Brian or Jim, she would listen. She'd likely known about the AIDs longer than Brian, and she would always hold a guilt for knowing first but it had been Freddie's choice who he told. That was something Cassandra always respected about Fred, he always kept his secrets but told those he knew could comfort him and Brian nowadays wasn't the comfort source anymore. 

  
"Ssssh, breathe Darling just breathe for me Sweetheart," she had cooed in his ear through her own cries, her breath erratic and her body feeling she had run the longest marathon. Brian pulled away from her, and he was angry. Looking down on her with a spiteful expression, "It's all your fault I feel Guilty!" He'd blurted out, and he never meant it; it was just one of those moments where you find yourself blaming someone for an inevitable death. "If you had just let me see him yesterday instead of making me pick the kids up, I would've said goodbye."

  
Grief is a confusing word, anger and sadness associated within. In a while, Brian would calm and tell his Wife he's sorry or he'll continue and do what he's known for and run away from his problems. He'd come back, quiet like a soldier who'd seen everything on the front. Brian was just, he was Brian. In twenty years, he'd gone from that sweet astrophysicist student who was caring, understanding and easy to talk to into this drawn-out absence, he was so self-indulged- produced as well, but his attitude that grew unpredictable was something she often worried for. 

Since Queen grew, the marriage became hot-wired tumultuous marriage, that had her name dragged through dirt and his put in headlines. Affairs scattered everywhere, most false and imagined before Anita came along and Brian went so far to write a whole song about her after likely screwing her on repeat. The marriage was over the moment their first Son was born, she should've known Brian would take her absence for granted.

  
"But you wouldn't of, because you wouldn't of known he was going to die today." She was trying to be as calm and as understanding as she could possibly be, treating him like one of the kids. Voice soft, welcoming and gentle like honey, pretending to show she could answer a child's question of innocence. Brian was none of it, more like a Showbiz Snob stuck on his fame and popularity in one of Britain's longest running and iconic Bands of the century. He didn't deserve her attitude used in kindness and tenderness, but it was the best way she could avoid a row, it would only take the attention from Fred and how much they should be doing something to honor him- not arguing like children over their beautiful mess. "Bri," she whispers hand on his and lips pecking his salted cheek, "Freddie didn't know that he'd take his final breaths last night, he didn't choose to slip away in the quiet. " Sniffles find their way to her reddened and irritated nose, _I wouldn't want my friends to miss me; what's the point in all this bullshit of weeping over an empty champagne glass_? Freddie's words had been dark, but sincere and honest. In ways, he was totally right and Cassandra too felt upset thinking of mourning and death. "He would never want you to be sitting, blaming yourself and crying for him. I'm crying for him, but you know what?"

"What?" He whispered softly, eyes melding into hers as he took her hand in his own, His whisper was like a mimic of George's, soft and innocent with that slippery pronunciation from crocodile tears or true hurt. She smiles, through broken hearts and teary eyes holding a gaze with her husband. "Only the best fly too close to the sun, Brian, and his name will be written in the stars with a proudness. The world has lost a legend, we've lost a Brother, a Best friend and forever our little family will change whether we'll divide or we'll stick together. But, Freddie would never want to watch over you, because in the end Sweetheart, he could either still be here in more pain than yesterday or with the stars relieved from his painful avenue he crossed." 

  
Brian was faltering, eyes in the middle of retracted and lustfully dilated and looking at her, likely crying more than himself- she always had the right thing to say, reminding him that Freddie was at peace now, up there creating havoc and rocking an illuminous cloud with a raw voice and a strength that returns inside. In fact, Brian was thinking in a new light and it wasn't all about Fred. The thought of knowing one of his children, the lives he and Cassandra created with love, time and care had suffered in the way Freddie had; he couldn't prepare to be a Father for a child suffering, he'd not give up in all means but if death were the last option, he'd give God his blessing if it meant no more pain. "You're right," He needed to say sorry for snapping but her expression told him to mention none of it just forget about them for a moment and think about Fred- the lover of life and a singer of songs. "You're so right and it's frustrating as hell." She took in a sharp breath watching him with that honey ocean eyes, warm and patient. Freddie's gone and She cared for him just like he does. But they were going to have to come together and stay strong. 

  
_Oh Darling, I hardly see her lift the likes of a piece of bread. You're sitting writing your big star stud solo debut_

  
Freddie was a concerned mess, while Brian was running around building his solo-debut and still sleeping with Anita. Maybe he'd missed the signs, maybe he was just ignorant but Freddie had been on the ball and immediately gave the one supposed to be with his Wife through sickness and in health a piece of his mind. _She's obviously hurting Brian, she's going right back into 1970 the stage of deliberately starving herself._ Only really Freddie understood her, Brian had lost all interest in her and now that interest was returning; the worries and concerns were also arriving behind. When Freddie had expressed concern, Brian had ignored it caring too little about his Wife's state to do anything about it.

  
Today, they've lost their best friend. More than just a Best Friend, more than just the Lead Singer of their Band. A Brother from another Mother was an appropriate term. For Brian, he didn't believe in the terminology of a soulmate, but Freddie came damn close. He refused, still, to imagine a reality that didn't hold Freddie Mercury, a life without Fred, a Band without their Voice. How could he come to accept that Freddie wouldn't crack another joke again, he wouldn't visit the house and spoil the kids with attention and whatever gifts. He couldn't comprehend that Freddie wasn't here anymore. He didn't want to. And he felt at fault.

  
There was never an explanation of how much Freddie meant to him. It was like, so much like the day he lost his true firstborn yet different. But the difference was that the friendship had never ended, Freddie had just gone. With him, he took Queen, and a piece of him. 

  
For those Freddie left behind, life was going to realistically; a living nightmare. The media were going to ask Questions regarding the AIDs, Freddie's partying past and the victims' that Freddie had ingrained with his beautiful soul, regardless of mortal state- were going to be photographed and published at every move. Brian's dreams of becoming immortal with Freddie leading his voice and their instruments to victory were ultimately shattered, like glass thrown forcefully against laminate flooring and his heart was aching, body trembling with uncertainty and confusion. What happens without him?

Not to mention his poor Father who had passed after all of those years of being told to stop smoking. Brian resented himself, he hardly saw his Fater since he had accepted Queen as his Son's superior life choice, he didn't even get to say goodbye to his own Dad because he was drinking up his fame with Queen. He neglected his Parents almost the same way he neglected the woman he should've loved. Absent to his children too. 

What happens next? Brian hated thinking like that, but he had no inferior choice. He felt everything he lived for, disappear. Everyone he loved, drain and turn to dust. 

  
He had nothing left, only a marriage in the rocks, children unable to understand their Father and his absences and friends that knew nothing of him, his life and cared little for him as a human- only Brian May the Guitarist from Queen. And yet, beneath his personal problems came that voice of youth and mere interest, but even Anita knew nothing of him, perhaps she only respected him for that reason the media do. Fame. In the end, too much love can make your life a huge lie. He'd spent so long chasing women that brought a toxicity into his complicated life that the woman that he should've been paying his attention to was slowly draining from his grasp. Maybe she'd leave him, Just as Freddie has.....

  
"How am I going to cope without him?"

  
He asked aloud, eyes distancing as they stare into an emptiness forwards. How was he supposed to cope without Fred, he realised that the midst of grief and confusion over Freddie's death, Queen was going to be looking at it's ending after so long. 

An emotional realisation, after so many years of music, tours and inlooks to different lives meshed into one- Queen was going to go south, without the Voice that brought the fans singing, without the personality that had the fans laughing and crying at all milestones hit. Queen was only made up of three men too desperate to keep their place in history.

Without Freddie, they were no longer immortal, they were just powerless without the Mercury to their comet.


	2. An Abyss of Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Christmas grows closer and Queen are considering planning a tribute concert, Brian's private life begins to fall apart and he's plagued by the worst depressive state in his life and it's clear to Cassandra that he needs professional help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to continue this, since there's not a lot of fics like it and I haven't been writing anything else or had the desire to either.

**_Every way I go, I have to lose_ **

_Chapter One: An abyss of darkness_

**December 18th 1991**

**London, England**

* * *

_Brian Harold May, 44_

He watched the horizon intently, kneeled down on the wooden foundation of his backgarden patio while the golden sun sweeps towards the English Hills. He was watching the epilogue to his life, Freddie's death being nothing but a trigger in the mind that was raging like mechanical bolts. He lifts his glass of bourbon, savouring that sweet bitter taste one last time, the taste leaving an aftermath inside the confides of his mouth; dry and unsavory while his orbs glance over the bottle beside the glass, the bottle that is about to make the decision and kill him, like he wants. His sickening daydreams are full of colourful metaphor, crisp imagery and emotional quips that go straight to the heart in roundabout ways. When conscious, he doesn't understand his dreams, it seems to be the polar opposite of the man looking back at him in the mirror.

Freedom is in the place of life, he pondered and concluding bitterly that's a silly show; built on drama and death and he wanted to leave the freakshow that is his life and many times Brian tried challenging this thought, many times he did silly things in hopes his brain could see life is worth living and the grudges and burdens must lift in order for himself to see. He is a triumph of will, someone who knows what to do in a tricky situation but sometimes he is the opposite and the triumph of will becomes nothing more than a statement of defiance against fate, only sense set against an ocean of dark doubts and death wishes. His children should've been the centre of the show, but no matter how long Brian searched; they simply weren't starring. Only glimpses of Freddie, Roger and John laughing in black and white, Freddie being the star and making scene and the others following,

He drifted away out of reality for a moment, the kids were playing happily in the garden, running endlessly like the beams of energy and sunshine he wished he had inside him. His eldest daughter's loose curls bouncing on her tiny shoulders as she determinedly attempts to get the ball from her older Brothers. _Determination,_ Brian says in his mind watching his daughter, _why can't I do what she does?_ But he soon realises the innocence of a child is much different than the mind of a man facing the deaths of two men that impacted everything within his life and he was sitting selfishly breathing air when all along he should be dead. 

Everytime he saw a bridge, he would tense up with the urge to do it. Just do it Brian, the urge would tempt him to at least look over the side of the bridge's ledge only to be pulled away by the mental picture of his children, two mini-Brian's, two mini-Cassandra’s and Emma who was a mix of her two parents blessed with a rare head of curly and ginger hair. He'd feel selfish, blushing as he walked away from the bridge and somewhere to collect his thoughts and composure. Then he would feel lower and more guiltier.

Everytime that temptation to kill himself haunted his thoughts Brian saw his family walking farther and farther away from him. They were travelling closer and closer to the light while Brian seemed to linger, a forceful gravity pulling him in a darkness that affected his ability of seeing, feeling and thinking. He couldn’t see his children and the thought of losing them scared him undeniably. 

He twirled her ring between his coarse thumb and index finger, the tips of his fingers rough against the smooth silver. He was just envisioning her slender and delicate finger fitting through the silver ever so perfectly, her soft and well cared for skin sitting in his own interlocked as a gesture of love, the thought alone is enough to dim another flame in his mind as he reminds himself of the responsibility he had tearing his life apart and ultimately hurting her in the process like a thorn bush, bleeding her heart and destroying her chances of love and compassion. She could never accept him and his mistakes that drove her away, she couldn't accept that deep down he still loved her- never stopped, only masked it with his own dreads and doubts and he simply had to use it as a self targeted weapon to justify his thoughts of suicide. Her name was like a fresh open wound, everytime he heard or even read it, he felt strongly like the name was cutting a skin deep wound into his flesh and he was so sure he was drawing blood everytime her voice echoed through the emptiness of his mind, every _I love you_ growing into a venomous spell. Without Freddie, their relationship as partnering parents was desintigrating faster than dust Brian felt the weights on his shoulders everytime he had looked at her there ready to drop off the kids or pick them up, the craziness inside was like a fire that burned his insides like a full-blown fire and the pain was unbearable; enough for him to grab his stomach and cry aloud when the children weren't around. 

In this time, he couldn't bare to think of his children in all of this. Five children without a Father because their Father gave up the battle of the great depression. 

"Daddy! Look at me!"

His eldest of the three daughters, Lauren, twirls, like an elegant ballerina coming towards her Father in a lightening speed. Muddy brown curls sprawled out shining a honey brown like an etheral crown highlighted by messy curls and frizzy spots. Her hazel eyes glowing with a fondness as she smiles a familiar smile and wrapping her small arms around his slumped frame. 

It only made him feel much worse, looking inside those hazel eyes that mirrored his very own. It made him wonder how she felt at this moment, engrossed in innocent childhoods and princesses everywhere. Did she ever feel sad and alone? Why he wondered, he wasn't sure, hoping to God Lauren never felt that way and hoping she dreamed of glitter and dresses at night and not endless abyss' and blackholes. So different from a Child's perspective, but just like children of his would feel dragged into a world without their Dad and newspapers printing his name in bold with infidelities that didn't exist and adventures that were dramatized. 

Brian looks down at Lauren's innocent expression, eyes wide and love filled similar to his own long ago. Lauren giggled at her Father's stare, freckles camoflagued by frizzy curls that were much due a wash. "What?" She asked, high pitched and full of youthful giggles as she embraced his arm. Brian grew silent, distancing himself from Lauren and back into the world of a wilderness grief. Something about her high pitched laughter and her bright smile traumatized him and he urged himself to look away before the pain grew stronger. 

Anger began to course through him when his little Girl lost her rosy cheeks and hazel eyes, replaced by the grays and sepia colours that he remembered his own childhood- from the inability to afford coloured ink. He hated himself more and more everytime he watched his two Sons playing yet another competitive game of football with disappointment as their own Dad who used to be interested and join them seemed to shrug and decline before scattering himself farther away from them. 

He hated himself everytime Lauren and her twin sister Emma requested he joined them for their tea party with the Sindy dolls and Teddy bears scattered in her room in a big circle, again, Brian declines and his little Girls slowly grew confused unsure why her Father who used to love sipping invisible tea and playing in the garden with her and her Brothers; seemed to change and Lauren wondered if her Father didn’t love her anymore and certainly regret making him hate her everytime she would compare his absence to her Mother who was always around and always showing her love and having tea with her. 

His marriage to Cassandra had disintegrated after Freddie's death and only after Christmas that was coming in a matter of days, he was planning to sign the divorce papers and leave his Wife unable to cope with everything. He couldn't stay with her after everything he'd done to her, from Anita to choosing Queen over his Family- words couldn't describe how he felt for her. Putting up with him, taking him back after being cheated on.. Brian didn't want to torture her anymore.

With Freddie being gone, it was like losing all theraputic sessioning, even Roger and John underestimated Fred's knowledge and presence in the May family's secrets and what nots. Cassandra always sat with Freddie and almost always told him every bout of feeling she held towards married life and the man she was losing due to Fame. Had Freddie of never been around at all in the last few years, Brian had become certain, the marriage would've ended almost as quickly as it had started and maybe Freddie's death was supposed to be that mother nudge for Brian to overcome barriers and make everything as close to before as he could, Freddie's death was supposed to have been a time for him and Cassandra to reconcile only both had merely drifted too far apart to dock. All that was left were the lifeboats on their sinking ship that was their children. It felt strange, counting the years of the kids and realising that it was a year and a half since the last time they made love.

The sun was setting lower and lower, the sight causes Brian to stand, grabbing the empty glass and the cylinder that was to ensure he wouldn't wake tomorrow and headed inside to the kitchen where Dinner was sitting ready to be cooked. Salad made all ready for the children and hand cut potatos in the oven, Cassandra hopefully would appreciate the Kids being fed and Brian being sly enough knew she was due to arrive in minutes meaning he would have extra time with his family altogether- he could say goodbye and he felt that was all that mattered. 

He heard the swift knock at the front door, quickly he races to answer it where she stands wearing a once used to be tight coat, kept together with golden buttons that shone in the evening light. Her hair sitting tidily at her shoulders causing Brian to question whether he missed her longer and youthful hairstyles or if her maturing shoulder length bob cut was something to be revelled in like a pleasant sight. The sight of a woman he had watched as his Wife blossom from a Girl into this maturing woman that still took his breath away.

She had their youngest by her side, their two year old standing with her pretty floral dress that was a hand-me down from the eldest of three sisters. Brian couldn’t help his forced smile as he bent down to knees and picked the blonde toddler into his cold arms and stood up. Though he hoped Cassandra wasn’t watching his interaction with their daughter, his still eyes meet with hers and he steps awkwardly aside as she steps inside. "It's nice," She said looking around the plain walls and acknowledging the mirror on the wall above the dresser that was yet to be filled. Cassandra falters, turning back to face him, "where are the kids?"

He points to the end of the hall where the kitchen door sat wide open, beaming with soft cracks of amber sunlight. "In the garden playing, I'm in the middle of sorting dinner. If you want, it wouldn't be a hassle; I'll put extra in and you could sit with us, saves you the bother." _She needs it,_ he thinks watching her with concern as he noticed the way her coat pracically engulfs her figure like she's got nothing to show for and he feels responsible in some way. 

Cassandra seemed as miserable as he felt, her usually glowing radiance dimmed by a paling to her skin. Her eyes were cloudy, dark and stormy seas inside the swishes of blues and greens. It was like standing beside a passing stranger, someone so unfamiliar and someone you weren't going to set eyes on again. "You didn't have to," Cassandra trails off, "I was going to treat them tonight since Charlie won his football tournament at school," she added and Brian couldn't help feel isolated from his family. She notices the pain in his eyes as she speaks, "You're welcome, to join us tomorrow night I think the kids would like it." 

But he knows he won't be here tomorrow because of his selfish needs of ending his life. "I'd really like it too," her hand rests on his bare arm and for a long moment the feeling of warmth returns, he was looking into her eyes staring intently as he tried to figure out her emotions only for her blue eyes to ultimately shut him out of her world. He wanted to kiss her, the way her eyelashes fluttered against her brow bone and the intense staring that for some odd reason felt the polar opposite of awkward, more like comfortable and relieving. "It'd be nice to be able to talk about something other than football and fairies for a change," she quips, fingers brushing against his wrist before the contact breaks and she yanks her arm back to her side looking away.

"Maybe, maybe some other time, eh?" He replies growing dismissive of her presence, all of those words that previously swirled around his head waiting to be said to her were all gone replaced by an anxiety of being made out as a madman. "Oh, yeah." She nods disappointed, turning to face him Cassandra's features grew concerned as the sound of her heels hitting the floor echoed through Brian's ears, suffocated by the Perfume she used to wear, he would always buy a spare bottle on his tours. Her hand took his, eyes boring through his own. "What's going on with you Bri?" She asks, beginning to frown as she closed the distance between them. "You can talk to me, you know that don't you?"

Amelia hinted that she wanted to join her Brothers and Sisters, Brian placed her onto the floor and watched her stumble towards her siblings before turning back to his distant Wife.

Should he tell her exactly what he was thinking, or mask his emotions to save the words she would say, the tears that would fill in her eyes and the anger that would energise his guilt from the pulsing radiation of her anger towards his selfishness. He walks her into the kitchen, watching her help put the plates on the dining table children rushing to get their meal while it's at it's best and then they walk together into the living room. "Brian, I'm worried about you." Cassandra said, sitting close enough that their knees were touching, He shrugs unable to say anything in agreement nor disagreement, instead looking at her wondering if the kids ever talk about him. 

“Everything’s fine, Cassandra.” He simply said with an expression that Cassandra felt intimidated by. “I’m just exhausted with the planning for the Tribute concert and John’s been down in the dumps while Roger’s not any better.” 

His soon to be ex-Wife smiled sadly, “I understand.” She replied with a hand on his shoulder. “If you need any time, I don’t mind taking the kids and letting you breathe. I’m not planning any holidays but it can be arranged and you can focus on yourself.” She paused wondering if her suggestion sounded selfish, Cassandra sighed and shook her head. “Or if you want to go on holiday, I can get you a ticket and I’ll stay here with the kids until you feel with it.” 

Brian nodded. He’d spend every passing day with his children, but he felt that maybe after their Uncle’s passing and their Father’s repetiotional screwing up, they and Cassandra deserved to go somewhere nice. He felt selfish that Cassandra was only sticking about for his benefit. He wanted her more than his children, but there wasn’t any point when it seemed his presence seemed to make her sad and bring her down. He felt evil in a way, he felt as though he was holding his family back. 

Coming out of his daze, Brian smiled forcefully and scratched the back of his neck. “Thank you for, y’know coming to the funeral with me.” Cassandra obediantly nodded letting out a sigh she hadn’t been aware she was holding. Cassandra didn’t give him any reply, only a mournful expression. Maybe she was thinking about Christmas which was scarily close around the corner. Brian only felt sadness, wondering what he could do at such a Festive to keep his family together. There didn’t seem to be any use, Brian’s sadness was bigger than anything he had ever felt and he couldn’t even pretend to be okay, his Guard was slipping while Cassandra’s grew stronger.

Something caught Brian’s eye, he stood and wondered over to the mantelpiece where he examined a photo of George holding a newborn Lauren. He smiled for a long second before remembering he was on tour when it was taken. Still it was a beautiful photo, George’s milk white blonde hair shining in the sunlight while his thick and full blonde eyelashes were on display as he looked down on his little sister who was still looking fresh from the room only paler and much more peaceful. For a moment Brian thought of Charles’ birth and Amelia’s birth, the two births he’d been home to see and the two moments that he’d never been happier or more emotional. 

“You’ve still got that?” Cassandra questioned as she took hold of the frame and smiled at her two children. “Georgie’s little nose,” Cassandra couldn’t help exclaim in a high pitched squeak as she smiled gleefully reciprocated by Brian who was as indulged in the moment as he was with his band. It was a bittersweet moment that was going to end at somepoint, though Brian prayed for the closeness and the fondness to last. 

“I’d never get rid of any photograph of our babies Cassandra,” Brian replied with a half smile.

Cassandra chuckled with a hand over Brian’s knee, “we really do have beautiful children.” She couldn’t help acknowledge and Brian mentally agreed with her. “I know it’s an awful time for you at the moment Brian, but think of our beautiful children, think of the good you’ve done creating these five little lives who are going to be like you one day.” 

Brian’s eyes were dark as Cassandra spoke, “like me?” He echoed with little bitterness. “I think we can both agree that I’m not one who should be the role model to our kids, Cassandra.” 

Cassandra frowned, “oh for God sake Brian.” She couldn’t help the frustration that seemed to take over her frame of mind. Self hatred was all Brian seemed to bring up, everytime they’d meet up to discuss the kids or meet with their Divorce Lawyer, Brian was like a broken record of sadness, every woe and hateful word playing on repeat like a sad and tragic song. “You do realise that you’re not the only one finding life difficult at the moment,” she sneered carefully examining her surroundings and braving for a storm between herself and Brian. “You’re the one who slept with Anita, like you’re the one who always toured while I was just another single Mum for the majority of time. I’m not here to say that I’m blameless in this, because I obviously must’ve done something to drive you away- but at least I’m trying for our children.”

Part of Cassandra wanted to scoop Brian into a hug and never let go, another just wanted him to stop talking and putting himself down. He had no idea what it was like having five children, being a single mum while he was away touring with his band. She hated bringing the fact up because Brian only ever felt guilt for not being there, but having five children on her own all week without a break, without five minutes of peace- she was getting tired, physically and emotionally. Brian was practically her sixth child, his state of depression made him unreliable and the way he acted wasn’t something that the kids needed to be around.

“I know, I know,” Brian sighed in defeat. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

Cassandra’s eyes grew wet, angry and emotional. “Brian if you want to get hel-”

“And have every newspaper having my name and state in lights?” 

She rolls her eyes, “there you go, putting Queen and fame before your family. Your children, your Mother, Roger and John.. We don’t care if you were on the front page for being locked in Broadmoor, We wouldn’t care if you were in an addiction rehabilitation centre. Brian, it’s about getting better and that’s not just for your benefit.. I can’t keep letting you see the kids if you’re in a state like this, because it’s affecting them much more than you realise. I’ve had to explain to our daughters that their Daddy does love them, but he’s very sad because Uncle Freddie isn’t here anymore. But I can’t keep doing this, repeating the same things and covering for you. I just can’t do it anymore and I’m sorry.” 

"Do you think the kids love me?" He asked suddenly. She falters, eyes widening as her concern grew bigger. "Brian why would you even ask that?" She whispered gripping his shoulders, "You're all the Girls ever talk about, y'know _do you think daddy wants to go the cinema, I like it when Daddy reads to me because he does the voices."_ He stifled a laugh, his Girls would say that. "Charlie was really pleased when you showed up for the competition, Brian you're a brilliant Father and the children love you with everything they have." The timing of Freddie's death couldn't of come at a worser time, watching Brian with unshaven features and uncared for stubble, Cassandra wondered if out of the remaining members of Queen; Brian was going to likely relapse if not already and the secret of past obsessive drinking episodes at afterparties and flings to ease emptiness would be broadcast to the kids who were oblivious that their Father, was nothing as invincible as Queen made him.

But maybe Freddie's death had been the icing, the preparation and the sign that Brian was in a broken state that he couldn't feel any worse if anybody else died. But as she wanted to keep quiet, she was drowning with plaguing thoughts of Brian taking Freddie's death so terribly that one spiral is enough to end it all, or begin a journey of more pain and illness inflicted on another innocent. She couldn't take it all alone, she can't cope with her ex-husband relapsing something rotten, because Freddie had been another Figure in his life that he couldn't see himself without.

Cassandra was equally as sad when her Father-in-Law passed away, he walked her down the aisle a few months after her Father had a fatal heartattack. She’d been forever grateful, he made such an effort with Charles and George when they were tiny and he fussed over his Granddaughters. Brian, simply didn’t say a word when his Dad passed. Whether the years of touring and being away from his parents had taken a toll on Brian and built a wall between them or Brian had just refused to say much about it, Cassandra never knew. 

He had his depressive spells throughout their marriage, that tell tale stubble that often grew whenever he didn’t hold the energy to bother with life. The Brian presently was a Brian she’d never seen before. He hardly bothered, he moved out of his own home because he… well he didn’t actually give any valid excuse aside from giving up on his marriage and his life. 

Sometimes it made her angry. Freddie died and Brian practically turned his back on his own family, it felt like he’d forgotten the impact Freddie had on their children. The kids loved him like he was their own flesh and blood. Lauren had always wanted to copy him, sing just like him one day. Maybe in times like this, Brian favoured his eldest daughter as Cassandra saw her holding that torch Freddie used to. A light that was both bright and shining with Freddie's adoration beaming on her form. 

She was the human form of an angel, shining with enthusiasm Brian sometimes resented wished would dim. She was special, bright and smiley. Cassandra hoped the younger Girls would follow, she had her doubts whenever Amelia anxiously clung to her Father and Emma pushed everyone about, much like Roger’s Felix at some point in his life.

"Daddy!" 

Cassandra smiles a soft smile, one that she hadn't worn in a long time. Brian noticed that, even when Lauren bounced into his two arms. 

She stopped smiling seeing Brian’s defeated expression, she felt unsure about what she could do, but she was determined not to turn her back on him, she was determined to give her children the Father that they used to understand.. 

She simply knew she was going to need help in helping her childrens’ Father.


	3. Everything is Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Cassandra fight over their divorce after their eldest comes home after fighting with another boy and Brian begins to feel like he's wrecking his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not sure how everyone's feeling about this type of fic, I know it's probably not interesting as a lot of others but y'know it's different I guess. With College being shut off because of the Corona, I'm thinking of writing more so yeeeaah can you comment your thoughts and maybe some suggestions ??? 
> 
> Thank you !!! Thanks for reading and thanks if you gimme some suggestions

**_Every way I go, I have to lose_ **

_Chapter Two: Everything is Falling Apart_

**December 20th 1991**

**London, England**

  
  
  


_ Brian Harold May, 44 _

* * *

A song that reminded Brian of his soon to be ex-Wife is a song with the same name as her own by ABBA. Sure in the early days of Queen, they used to pretend to talk dirt about the Swedish band who claimed more popularity than they before their breaks but Cassandra had been a fan a long time ago, Brian only really recalls her liking from her thirty third when he picked out a newly advertised vinyl “The Visitors,” a collection of songs that were completely new to them- she had loved it of course, stealing the shared vinyl player to listen to all of the songs whilst at the time Charles and George were their only children and they were swinging about with their Starfleet robots oblivious to the music that was playing in the background. 

Brian never found ABBA to write music that was meaningful, nor deep in their lyrics, but he found ‘Cassandra’ the only song that could make him feel twenty emotions at once. His marriage to Cassandra wasn’t tumultuous at the beginning, but Cassandra was a difficult girl to really see through. She’d grown up in the modelling business and with the 60s, she deteriorated trying to keep with Models like Twiggy who were acknowledged for their barely existing bodies and boney structure. It made Cassandra in his mind misunderstood, she had looked so dainty and so fragile that those around her didn’t believe in her future. 

And yet, Cassandra would go on to being a Mother with a husband who was barely there. Cassandra had told him since the beginning that she enjoyed her life, she loved him and would like to be married to him until her dying breath. With Queen gaining more and more success, Brian couldn’t remain the humble and quiet individual that his Wife remained. His fame changed him and braced him while Cassandra staying home with the family changed her and mellowed her out until they were the antithesis of each other. She liked a quiet night at home with a mug of piping hot tea, Brian liked a Queen afterparty with drink and the company of people equally as famous as he. Looking back, maybe it was Freddie who urged him to enjoy the life of a rockstar. Looking back, now he wishes he’d stayed home with his Wife and children- so he couldn’t mess everything up like he has done now.

Brian shifts in the heatless sheets of his new bed, it just isn’t the same when there isn’t a head of blonde hair sprawled on the empty pillows beside him, or the warmth of Cassandra’s skin pressed against him and her nightdress that is a size too big falling down her shoulders making it clear to him that she sleeps without her bra. He doesn’t want to go begging, he doesn’t want to admit that he wished he’d stayed home with his family, but he needs his Wife, life just isn’t the same without her talking mindlessly or pressing kisses to his cheek in a good morning manner.

Life just isn’t the same without her, he thinks with a paralysing sadness overtaking his consciousness. Angrily wiping a tear, Brian sighs and throws the odourless duvet covers off of his chilled body and throws on whatever he has in the wardrobe. 

The only thing keeping him around is his children, aside from that, nobody mattered anymore, especially when he felt he can’t keep relationships without doing something that causes him to lose everything. It reminded him that it was his turn to take them, it’s his three days before they go back to Mum on Christmas eve, he’d yet to even think about presents for them- but they were so distanced that Brian wasn’t even sure what to get them. Charles was fourteen, how was Brian supposed to know what a fourteen year old wanted in this day in age? The same for George who was eleven, Lauren and Emma were seven and Amelia was only two. He knew nothing of his children’s likes and dislikes, the revelation haunted him, reminding him that he was a terrible Father like he was a lousy husband.

The phone rang unexpectedly, Brian shrugged and sprinted off to answer with a thought that Roger or John would be on the other end with ideas for Freddie's tribute concert or meaningless talk as they tried to ignore the elephant in the room, just like they ignored their grief. 

"Hello?" He answers curiously, tensing at the sound of Cassandra's voice sounding urgent.

"Charlie's been in a fight, I need you to meet me at the school because I have Amelia and I can't take her in with me because she's fussing again."

* * *

_ Cassandra Sophia May, 44 _

  
  


Sitting with an almost finalised divorce suddenly felt like a knife to the idea of settling with love. From that love she had thought she had gained, she had five children who idolised her as their prime influence and respected their Father all while struggling to find him in the fog of fame. Brian was losing his identity, Cassandra knew that and for a while her Husband wasn't her husband. He wasn't Brian. the student maths teacher who barely had enough courage to ask an unfamiliar girl to dance or the guy who talked in equations reading his Astrophysics thesis- it was as if he had been replaced, by this individual who rose and strode around flashing his Guitar just for the idea of acceptance. 

Around eleven that morning, Cassandra was preparing her youngest for Brian who wanted to spend a few days with the kids when Cassandra found herself driving out to her eldest's school. His headmistress had phoned in a panic, at first the Mother assumed a playground accident only to be told in her Office beside an angry Mother, Charles had fought another Boy. 

"How did it start?" Asks the other Mother throwing daggers at Cassandra who ignored it. The Headmistress sighed, explaining a situation that made Cassandra's heart break. For all it had been possible, the kids were in the quiet about their Father's turmoil and avocations, Brian had wanted them away from his public affairs. But some parents either loving the band, or loathing; were too involved and like this very situation, parents didn't seem to understand the torture of ignoring children inheriting opinions that offended the others in the playground. Charles being on the brink of puberty; his hormones were explosive, some loud mouth telling their kids about Brian May and his scandalous affair on his Wife who happened to be the Mum the Rockstar's Son in the same class- wasn't appreciated, especially when that Son who never asked to have a famous Dad hears about it.

Punishing Charles for breaking Anthony's pencil in temper seemed imbalanced when Charles appeared with a crooked nose and blood gushing onto his shirt. Considering he was in a school, it would've seemed natural for someone to be concerned for his wellbeing seeing as the boy with the Iron fists sat with a goldstar and the Nurses cooing over his braveness against a ruthless and spoilt brat who needed to learn about life. Charles was brought up just like any other; three bedroom home, non-expensive toys, Brian never even bought him designer clothes. Standing up with her hands on his shoulders, Cassandra glared at the people watching her Son in disgust.

"Pity he won't be around to take his punishment, he's not coming back to this school."

She meant it, leading her Son outside where a concerned Brian waiting outside the car on a bench put down a fussy Amelia to inspect his Son's nosebleed. "What the hell have you been doing, Charlie?" He asks in urgent manner kneeling down to stare the crimson blood down, eyes guilty for his absence. Neither Cassandra or Charles chose to comment as the Guitarist started up the Volvo and pulling away from the school's carpark.

"Is anyone going to remind you that I'm his Dad and I deserve to know what's going on when I'm driving to A&E-"   
  
"Oh, just as I expect you'd be glad to know you're the one who probably fired the whole thing up?" Asks his ex-Wife bitterly with her arms crossed. " _Just because I play for Queen, doesn't mean my kids will be treated like it._ Nice one Brian, because you're wrong." 

Her stare was intense, Brian felt that comment hit a spot he didn't think possible as he fought the urge to get angry. Instead, he watched Charles from the mirror above with his school jumper covering his nose. Dried blood stained his cheeks in little speckles, the fourteen year old's eyes were welling with tears dreading another argument as he looks between a fuming Mum and the Father he wished he could understand. Brian saw almost every emotion in his Son, the silence deafening as nobody wanted to spoil it, Amelia fast asleep and Charles scared of creating confrontation.

His _Wife_ had every right to get angry with him, Brian knew that as he drove down towards the nearest A&E. He thought he could shield all of them from the avenue of their Dad's lifestyle. With a hand on the wheel taking a turn, Brian turned to his ex-Wife with self-resentment glittering in his eyes along with self loathe as the guilt started to eat him like parasites gnawing his skin. 

"I'm sorry." 

She shakes her head in dismissal, looking almost as guilty as he. "No! It’s me who should apologising to you, It's not your fault, Brian." Cassandra said, "I'm just angry they seem to believe our Son's link to the scandalous world of Rock'n'Roll makes him the playground Bully."

Charles stayed quiet, he watched his parents who couldn’t even look at each other without the building of tension. Not even a question about the weather could’ve been able to save the thick tension, he’d chosen to stay quiet with the hopes of getting used to them not arguing about his Father’s scandals or his Mother’s regrets. They always seemed to argue, ever since his Uncle Freddie died, his Father refused to notice his own family. 

Brian spoke up after a long and tension filled silence, “we can’t exactly throw him into a new school. What are we going to do to resolve it?” Charles watched his Mother who looked unsure, she shrugged in response dodging her ex-Husband’s question temporarily. Brian frowned as he continued to drive while trying to find common ground. “He’s been at that school for two years now, as much as that shouldn’t matter, I don’t like the idea of switching schools because of some playground fight. I was his age myself once, these things happen.” 

Cassandra shrugs, tilting her head back in exhaustion. “These things do happen Brian, I have Brothers so I’m well aware of you punching your problems out on the others but I’m not having some stuck up bitch telling me that my husband’s fame and fortune made my Son into a Brat.” She shakes her head staring at Brian, “I’m not having it, if I have to pay for a tutor to get the kids an education then I will but I’m not having our children being alienated and isolated, losing friends because of Queen.” 

* * *

“Charlie we’re not blaming you,” Brian said with a strictness in his voice as he paced around his living Room. “I just want to know what happened so I know what I’m dealing with when I sort it out.”

Charles tensed, his parents saw that, Brian decided to sit down waiting for an explanation from his son, anything from remorse or emotion. “Anthony’s been annoying me for weeks, he tells me stuff he hears in Gossip magazines about Dad and then this morning he said he saw Mum picking Lauren and Emma up from school one day and he said that he wouldn’t mind… y’know and he was saying all this stuff about wanting to see mum naked and since well it’s my Mum, I just, I got angry and I lashed out.” 

“Oh Charlie…”

“I didn’t mean to, I didn’t feel good when I did it.” Charles’ voice was uneasy, cracking with emotion. Brian gulps watching Cassandra hold her Son in her arms, shushing off his teary apologies. “When I punched him, it was like all my anger just spurted out and it felt good until I realised what I was doing.”

“That Boy, is one of those boys you need to brush off your shoulders Charlie,” Brian softly said with a sad smile, walking over to sit on his Son’s other side and hugging him. “When I was your age, the Boys were exactly the same, though I weren’t worth knowing back then and I wasn’t in any magazines, but you are just like every single Boy out there, especially in your age group. You’re getting older and your hormones are everywhere, it’s easier said than done, but ignore people like them, ignore them laugh at them because this Anthony sounds like a right parasite, you’ll see him in twenty years time with nothing going for him and you get the last laugh.” 

Charles smiled softly, “you really think so Dad?” He asked followed by a nod from Brian.

“What can I say, Karma can be a bitch when you don’t play the game of life properly.”

Cassandra waited until Brian had gone to make the tea before ushering Charles over with a smirk, "don't tell your Father, but it's about time you fought your ground. I won't tell him about Anthony, he doesn't need to know if you don't want him to."

Charles frowned, "am I in trouble for decking him?"

Cassandra tensed, "if he was annoying you and pushing you about, at the end of the day, nobody else stuck up for you and your teachers did absolutely nothing. I don't condone first hand violence, but I understand darling, he's been bullying you non-stop and I'm glad that you've shown how you feel as it could've been a hell of a lot worse had you let him continue."

Her son smiles at his Mother's reassurance, "your Fathers right in what he says, twenty years from now, that boy will have absolutely nothing going for him. His parents probably wipe his backside, while your Dad and I let you find and discover things without us telling you the answer. In twenty years, Anthony will annoy someone who won't be as tolerable as you and he'll find out the hard way that he's a dickhead." 

She really had always been a bit of a cool Mum, Brian noted as he walked past the wide open door and listened accidentally into the conversation. Hell, his Mother wasn't like that and Cassandra's own Mother wasn't like that, but Cassandra was never one to be a parent to the older kids. When they hit the big school, she turned to them and said "I'll be your Mum but I'll be a friend too." Brian was skeptical, but Cassandra assured him that it was a secret trick she found into keeping them behaving and doing as they should. Studying psychology when she was young, Brian didn't question her non-strict methods though he felt red faced when they disagreed in discipline. 

* * *

Discussing the aftermath, they decided to leave it until after the Christmas break, there wasn’t any point worrying. Christmas getting closer and closer. Brian simply avoided the confrontation. Cassandra was everywhere with her emotions and he didn’t feel the need to find out what she was feeling by saying his opinion.  Cassandra smiled for a moment muttering a small thank you before suddenly she was in his arms sobbing loudly. “This is all getting too much, I don’t know if I can cope anymore Brian.”

His heart shattered, confusion clouded up in his mournful eyes while he did what anyone would do and he led her to the kitchen, sitting her down and shutting the door. 

“Charlie, he’s out of control and I don’t know how to help him, Emma doesn’t seem to want to be around me, Amelia still isn't doing the things she should be at her age and- oh I don’t know, everything’s just falling apart, I miss Freddie, really really miss him.” It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. Cassandra’s hands covered her face while her elbows dug into her knees, she was noisy but her hands only amplified the sounds of her sobs. Her tears mingled with mascara and her gasping wails echoed around the kitchen. Brian pulls a chair beside her putting a hand on her back in reassurance, knowing little of what to do other than play the blame game and point fingers at himself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be intru-”

Brian cut her off with a sharp, “we’re not divorced yet Cassandra,” he reminds her pulling her hands from her face and weaving her under his left arm. “What’s going on, talk to me Cass.” He urged putting his own feelings at the back of his mind. “What’s falling apart?”

Cassandra stared at him, disbelief in her tearful eyes. “Everything, I don’t want to divorce you but you’re set on it, I can’t protect the kids from everything life’s throwing at them and I’m just tired with five children and only two hands. It’s like I’m exhausted but the Girls are all under ten and my Sons are teenagers, so everything is _just_ chaotic at home.” 

He felt selfish, he felt useless fighting his own emotions as he questioned what he could say. “I’m so sorry.” He said without emotion as he rubbed a hand on the small of her back, “I’ll take them and let you take a break, as long as you need Cassandra.”

  
But stubbornly, Cassandra shook her head. “Why can’t you just come home Brian?” She asked, pulling away from Brian’s embrace and staring him dead in the eye. “I’m sick of this, tossing the kids like footballs _home and here, home and here_ \- it’s not fair on them. I miss you but I’m angry with you, it’s like I’m the only one trying to keep all of us together.” She sighs taking his hand in her own, Brian watches her unsure what the intention was behind it. “Don’t you care about me?” She asks, eyes wide and teary. 

“Of course I care about you Cassandra, you’re the mother of my babies, you’re the woman I married.” 

“Well _why are_ you _persisting_ in a divorce Brian, why do you _persist_ in pushing your Wife and your children away?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know.” He said barely above a whisper. “Because I’ve already let you all down, I cheated on you, I was never home to help you out-”

“But it’s _my_ choice whether I want to have that lifestyle, I chose to marry you knowing Queen would be in and out of the spotlight, knowing you wouldn't be home as much as a boring old normal husband and I couldn’t care less, you always phoned, told the children and me you love us- you don’t need to be doing my job or any bigger role to be Father of the year. Meanwhile, we talked about Anita and if you’d remember, I _slept_ with another man in _revenge_ , we’re human if I’m not worse than you.”

Brian still thought about the divorce papers he was supposed to be signing, His children, who were going to either hear it from himself or their Mum that they were going to be getting divorced. Lauren would think of it as cool for the first while, just like Pete's Mummy and Daddy, she would say talking about her friend whose parents were going through a bitter custody battle. But Emma would begin to miss home, parents staring into each other's eyes like Cinderella and Prince Charming. 

Charles was hopefully old enough to understand, it wasn’t like Brian knew his children like their Mother did. He thought back to the time he returned from the Hot Space tour and the great underestimate of Charles’ academic ability. He thought so little of him he didn’t expect him to know his numbers to ten nevermind twenty. It made him sad that he knew his Son so little, but also hopeful that he could understand the complication of the situation. He was ten years old, surely he would be advanced in mentality to understand. 

Divorce was _never_ something Brian thought about, he always told himself that he would fix the strain- in the end, he'd torn the strain apart completely. If he could just make the clocks go back and simply pinpoint the very moment that his marriage became stressed, maybe instead of using his human ignorance, he could just read the signs and make it better. Cassandra was inadequate at this stage, she wasn’t responsible for a single thing and Brian made that his primary reminder. She couldn’t throw the kids into another room just to satisfy her husband, she shouldn’t have been the one stuck with them on her own in the first place. 

She was the one who reminded him that his life that drastically changed when he walked out on his PhD and promised him that it could still be worth every push if his Band he was so sure wasn't going to see a light, here he was famous throwing her loyalty and her compassion like Roger throwing random flings about. When Queen first started out; Brian May was supposed to be the thoughtful and bashful Guitarist, pleasant and agreeable for his start out fans. He was quiet and he was humble, it was just him and his Girlfriend in their one bedroom fixer upper living on the cheapest things. 

Looking at his reflection in the shine of the wooden flooring, Brian May wasn't there and the panic of finding him among the six foot two shadow growing close to urgent. 

Cassandra decided to test him for a reaction, gauge him for some sort of human emotion instead of meaningless words and broken promise. _"Dare I say it, but_ Maybe I shouldn’t have married you and maybe I should’ve lived the life I had before you appeared in it.," Cassandra chuckles breathlessly, eyes meeting with Brian's for a laboured moment. “Obviously I’m too… _good_ for you.”

He didn't realise she had been joking all along, his eyes narrowed, he felt a little insulted. "What; do you think you're too upper class for me?" Brian spat, towering over her as his anger started to fizz like Cola. "I'm the one providing for my family aren't I? Getting money every tour completed and every album finished." She laughs bitterly causing a storm to brew within, but Brian refused to outburst trying against all of those decomposed thoughts to remain as calm as he could. Cassandra seemed to see everything different from his perspective. Hands falling on her body protectively as though she expected him to explode.

The sight of Cassandra, cowering- afraid of her own husband. Brian felt disgusted at himself.

"Yeah! Just like I'm the one giving my life up because my Husband thought modelling was a form of demoralisation of human rights. Coming from the man who only thinks about songs and lyrics, news flash Brian; one of us had to grow the fuck up and stop dreaming when Charles came along," Surprised by her use of swears, Brian slumped like a six year old being scolded by his Grandmother. “I didn’t get to live my life because you were living your dream, I had to put my ambitions aside, I stopped teaching because someone had to stay home while you were out touring and seeing the world. I stopped being on the front cover of magazines, I stopped wearing all the flashy clothes- everything I sacrificed because I love you, you stupid _stupid_ idiot.” 

She had every right, it just felt like the beginnings of life threatening guilt as his thoughts push together and the sacrifices for him she had made beginning to be less and less unnoticed. He knew her words were just said in anger, if she had wanted to continue modelling, he wouldn’t have stopped her and a part of him was confident that she knew that too, he wouldn’t have had children with her either, because every model needed to stay in pleasant condition meaning no stretch marks settling reminders of children made with love or every milestone that every baby reached. She didn’t mean her words at all, otherwise she would’ve said she missed having an eating disorder and starving herself a long time ago. It hurt him feeling she would use such a self destructive time as a reason that he ruined her life, it felt like she had forgotten who helped her overcome her illness. He was also forgetting that his honesty and infidelity brought another period of body hatred for his Wife and a new book of questions wondering why she wasn’t enough.

Brian paused, and he doesn't get the chance to speak. "I gave up my life, to abide yours. you wanted to be a Dad, I put myself through hell getting you a Son nevermind two and three daughters." She pauses trying to think of the right words, judging by Brian's disgusted expression she's going to have to think hard. 

Brian drank her words in, guilt flooding his system before his eyes met with Cassandra’s regretful ones. “I’m so sorry..” She said. He could see her exhaustion as clear as day, he saw her own battles in her expression. As he predicted. She meant nothing of what she said though Brian thought for a moment of how different their lives might’ve been if they had never met each other- something he had never thought about as he always thought of her as the light of his life.

Cassandra looked hopeless chocking back a sob and pressing her hand on Brian’s across the kitchen table, Brian glanced up like she was the girl in every romantic film. Only, he didn’t expect to fall in love in two seconds, he only felt emptiness as he realised how low he felt and how it was affecting his family. 

All of those past battles with infertility and frustrations over negative pregnancy tests resurface, maybe that's when they slowly drifted. He was always away, dealing with his emotions in ways that fans and admirers benefited and then getting wasted with his friends at afterparties forgetting he promised her a goodnight call. When he finally became what he had wanted- his marriage was slowly sinking and the spark of attraction dimming practically burnt out like a candle. "When Charles came along, he completed my life and I wasn't lonely anymore, when George came along I was so happy to have my two boys and I love being a Mum and I wouldn't dream of anything else; but I still have to question what life would've been like if I put myself before settling down, before you. Before us."

Again, he watches her wipe a lonely tear that was falling down her cheek before he wrapped a long arm around her frame.

Brian sighed softly, “I think you’re very very tired and I haven’t been doing enough to help with everything. Why don’t you call up Dominique, Veronica and see if you could go somewhere abroad for a bit,” she shook her head insisting silently that everything was fine and she was just having a menstrual cycle moment, an excuse she used rarely as Brian knew her cycle too well. Cassandra never spoke about her own issues, she was always doting on her husband and her children, she never raised her voice just like she never spoke of her regrets. “Love you’re exhausted you’ll run yourself ragged if you carry on like this.”

Cassandra waved him off, sighing softly. “No, maybe after the tribute concert, maybe when you’ve spoken to someone about how you feel. Brian, you need to talk about your depression, you need more help so that I know I’m not losing you. You won’t tell me about your feelings and you moved out of your own home, you can’t tell me it’s nothing and that you’re fine.” She forces a smile, “plus I need to see if I can get a place at a Nursery. If the divorce happens, I don’t want any money from you, not a penny, nothing because I want to start the single-life independently I don’t need my ex-husband providing for me.”

He chuckles lightheartedly, “you used to always say that when we first got together. The first time we went out, you forced me to let you pay half the bill because you hated being doted on.” Cassandra smiled at the memory, eyes lighting up in nostalgia as she gripped Brian’s hand and laughed out loud. “You were a right handful in your twenties,” he noted thoughtfully but teasingly, “but it’s something I’ve always admired about you, I mean you were so stubborn we nearly married at a dodgy registration office.”

“Well I hate the idea of wearing some expensive dress and walking down the aisle then never wearing it again, probably to look back one day fifty pounds heavier and upset I can’t put it on.” She shrugs watching Brian snort at her reason, “I mean you nearly tore the stupid thing trying to get it off.”

“Worth the money absolutely, it least it was only the garter.” He flashes a smile, smirking flirtatiously to Cassandra who shrieks in laughter smacking his chest playfully.

“You cheeky bastard,” she laughed leaning into his chest.

Brian savoured it, thinking nothing about the upcoming days. He just wanted the moment to last before real life would strike again and he’d want to retreat to his isolation in order to make sure his loved ones didn’t see him cry, Cassandra especially. Though, her outburst caused him to wonder if she was depressed herself or if his own depression was just putting him in a tricky spot.

That’s a thought for another day.

He turns to Cassandra, "now go upstairs and get a lie down, I'll do the school run and Amelia can come with me." He grabbed the car-keys from the table with a forced smile, "I'm sure Charles won't mind reading or whatever he does at his age these days."


	4. Infidelity and Dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Roger have an interview with the BBC while Cassandra grows annoyed at Veronica's intervention into her marriage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was proof-read but the difference between the UK spellings and then US auto-correct and the fact my laptop doesn't even highlight mispelt words just makes this problem annoying. Sorry if there's like really badly spelt words, I've been rushing to get this chapter done.

**Every way I Go, I Have to Lose**

_Chapter Three: Infidelity and Dirt_

_December 29th 1991_

_London, England_

* * *

Brian Harold May, 44

They had lost contact with Mary after Freddie's will had left everything from his estate and 50% of earnings in her  name. Brian never felt ill towards her for being given so much of his Good Friend's belongings, but Mary used to often reached  out and spoke about how she felt trapped and unable to cope with the Media making her out to be every name under the sun.  Brian had gone as far as stating in his BBC Breakfast interview that infact the Media were dragging all of their names in dirt.

People called themselves fans of Queen and yet they never ignored an oppurtunity to bash Freddie’s sexuality, Freddie wasn’t confirmed to be neither bisexual nor Gay and Brian cared little about it. He cared little whether Freddie had yelled his sexuality from the highest point of the busiest part of town, Freddie was his best friend and that’s all Brian was interested in and he was taught best friend’s are loyal and non-judgemental toward each other.

"Mary and Freddie had a beautiful bond and in the end, it's a shame after this man's death that we can't seem to stop  harrassing his family and friends. Freddie always confided in Mary sometimes more than he did with Roger, John and Me and at that I think they were very very close much like himself and Jim. He left Mary a lot because I think he saw Mary as the one of his two that  knew more about the dangers of Media and she was more equipped to the outbursts from fans than Jim." He'd told the  interviewer trying to hold back from making a jibe against the fans that listened to his and Queen's music. "It's nobody else's  business what Freddie left who and the accusations read in the papers about Mary and Jim. I lose my faith in what's right  anymore, I also feel upset towards the people making comments about Freddie's friends and family while calling themselves  fans."

The Presenter glanced between Brian and Roger who were acknowledging the empty space that should’ve been filled by John, but much like Brian, John wasn’t taking the death all too well and simply refused to be seen in public. “Mary and Freddie were quite close weren’t they?” She asked with uncertainty, she was a young woman Brian noted and she looked nervous, almost terrified of mislabelling Freddie or wrongly judging Freddie from the Newspaper’s interpretation. 

Brian smiled, “yes and they had been since Mary and I briefly dated around 1969.” People who claimed to be fans had never known about his history with Mary, but Brian felt a sort of smugness as he revealed the past that people either ignored or knew nothing about. His and Roger’s feelings were scarily different to the world who seemed to judge the man who put his ex instead of his current partner in his will. “But with Freddie, nothing in newspapers or magazines truly described him. Freddie was actually very humble, but people always take his stage persona and write an article based on that rather than the man he was. Just like people always have spoken of his will where they bash Mary and sympathise with Jim. To this day almost a month after his death, we’re all sick of the scandals that to us are complete fiction.”

Roger crossed his arms nodding, “Freddie was always dramatic sure but he enjoyed his privacy like anyone else. In fact, Brian and I were the biggest tossers in the group. I’ll never forget the time we were on tour for the release of the works and Brian and I were arguing about something silly… oh what was it we were arguing about Bri?”

  
Brian chuckled, turning red, “you have no music taste probably or something about music at least.”

“Yes, and Brian punched me in the face so we’re squabbling throwing punches but there’s Freddie sitting in nothing but his bloody knickers eating a bowl of cornflakes in the evening.”

They’re all chuckling at that memory, even the presenter managed a light giggle as Roger talked about being in so much shock that he and Brian stopped arguing and instead became silent. “Now that’s Queen, not all that hogwash you read in the papers. I mean, Fred had ten cats for God sake, he’s not exactly going to be out partying when he had individual bedrooms for each cat.” 

“Well we’re all guilty of partying too hard,” Brian intervened, sending Roger a look. “You’re not the best at driving we can both confirm.”

“So.. There are plans for a concert that is comemerating Freddie’s memory, would you like to tell us and the people watching at home what brought this idea to you?”

Roger turned to Brian as it had been Brian’s idea. “Freddie’s death caused a lot of farcry, it caused backlash as people were driven mad by the idea of the Frontman of Queen dying from a sexually transmitted disease. But for us remaining and certainly across the industry of music, we’re bothered about the pain Freddie was in and just how much he meant to us and the least we can do to show Freddie how much we care for him is to do a tribute concert where the money raised goes to a new charity that we’ve established the “Mercury Phoneix Trust” the money will go towards a cure for AIDs and to educate those about it in the stigma.” 

“That’s really lovely of you, I know that a lot of people are very critical and perhaps alarmed by the open discussion in diseases like this but I’m a Mother of two boys, just as I’m sure you have children of your own so I feel that Freddie’s death is almost like a lesson to those who shoulder the lessons in life. You never think it could be but you just don’t know, my oldest being about nine it’s quite scary he’s growing close to the years where he’ll do what he pleases and things like STIs that stigma it’s almost like an unspoken rule, my parents never spoke about it but I hope now that the tranquility that has been devastated by Freddie’s death can reflect upon it and learn from it by teaching their children just how sudden and easy it can be.”

A paranoia sort of washed over Brian as he thought of his two Sons, Charles being fifteen now and George being close to hitting his teen years- the Presenter was right, it was easy as it was sudden and the thought of one of his Sons coming home suffering in silence or rehearsing and worrying about how he would tell his parents, it broke Brian’s heart. 

Charles was quite popular, he was on the football team and he went to all the cool parties every few weekends with what he called the Lads. Charles was a lot like Roger, reckless and chaotic, but he was a sweet boy on the inside and the thought of him terrified or making a mistake and paying with his life as Freddie had, the gut punch hit Brian hard.

  
  


* * *

_ Cassandra May, 44 _

Dominique's hand was soft and comforting on Cassandra's shoulder, it felt nice to have someone who seemed to share a similar perspective without putting on a Judas facade for everyone around her. While on the other hand, there was Veronica who was getting on her nerves with her constant _"well if it was me..."_ attitude.

Dominique's hazel eyes clarified in the London sun as she removed a pair of Roger's "lost" sunglasses and put them on the dashboard of Brian's much loved Volvo. "Whatever happens, I'll always be by your side." Dominique declared with a slight frown, Veronica who was sitting in the backseat had nodded with empathy aimed at Brian May's Wife. "Brian might be saying he’s looking out for you but-" she hesitated trying to find the most eloquent of words in order to calm the situation that was brewing.

But, Dominique couldn't think of anything, she was facing her own predicament with Roger. He wasn't cheating or putting a wall between them, but he'd decided things weren't working out anymore and the truth hurt Dominique but she tried putting herself in Cassandra's shoes, at least Roger was honest and at least he wasn't yo-yoing her back and forth, loving her one minute, pushing her away the other. Though Roger had married her to keep her and Rory and Felix in Britain because of Dominique’s non-English nationality which would’ve sent her and maybe Felix and Rory back to her home in France due to a visa, Dominique still felt a little betrayed and jealous seeing his new Girlfriend, Debbie and it reminded her of the first time they had gotten together. They were loved up and couldn’t bear to be apart. But Dominique was managing, she had her children and she got on with Debbie, she had even dined with them and Debbie introduced her to Rufus, so she wasn’t holding any anger at Roger or Debbie as they included her and helped out with Felix and Rory.

"You need to remind her that Brian has a family," intervened Veronica with passion. "Brian has children and if he’s looking for a divorce as his way to grieve over Fred’s death- then he’s hurting his children." Speaking as a Mother herself, Veronica thanked the stars above that John remained faithful and by her side aside from the odd snog at Queen parties or drunk smooch. Their husbands were Queen and they weren't the focus of their lives, Veronica had never minded since John still remained devoted and thoroughly respectful. He didn't consciously commit infidelity, he also often reminded her how much he cared and appreciated her and their marriage remained strong. When the affair of Brian and Anita was revealed back in 1988 Veronica had found it was a shock and a half to say the least, with Anita Dobson who was playing Angie Watts in Eastenders, it was an even bigger scandal and Veronica's heart broke for her best Friend's heartbreak as well as the mess that had been made for the children to witness.

Cassandra nodded, wiping the smidge of an angry tear as she frowned and continued to nod ferociously. "It's just that I can't think of what to say, what to do or even what to think." Cassandra explained with a light sniffle, "at this point I'll be cival with Brian but what if he’s still sleeping with Anita, he promised me he slept with her only that once. But with him insisting in divorce, now I’m suspicious. Maybe he’s too scared to be honest with me." 

Cassandra hadn't realised she'd started crying until the two other women swiftly cooed her into calming, she was uptight and anxious. "Of all people, I'm still trying to get my head around it- Brian.. Roger, wouldn't surprise me no offence Dom," Dominique giggled in reply and waved it off, Veronica grimaced. "Brian just doesn't seem the type, he’s always worn his ring on nights out and he always talked of his family on tour. I had the impression that he was the devoted husband.” Dominique nodded in agreement, they weren’t the only ones who were shocked. Freddie had been beyond livid when Brian told him he planned on divorcing Cassandra because he was still waking up with guilt over cheating on her, before he had died, but he knew if he had made a comment he would be a hypocrite. Up until meeting Jim, Freddie had gone from relationship to relationship some that were honest and others that welcomed infidelity. But Freddie was a lost soul in love, he knew what he wanted when it came to love, he just couldn’t find it no matter how hard he tried. “Brian was the family man of the band, the voice of reason but since the affair came out, since Freddie told us he was dying- I just don’t know what to think of him, the same with John sometimes, I get angry because I can’t see what John gets up to and other times I don’t wish to find out.”

Roger and John didn’t make much comment, John mentioned Brian splitting his own family up and reprimended him for thinking of himself rather than his children and his Wife. It drove Brian crazy, as much as Cassandra wanted him to suffer or be affected by some Karma for his past actions- Brian already was, he couldn’t cope with his own actions as he cried about it almost everyday and he used to apologise up to a thousand times a day. 

Dominique had frowned, “does Brian know that Timothy’s been asking you to go on a date?”

Brian had known Timothy in the past, Timothy was the lead in the Flash Gordon film that Queen were composing the soundtrack to and he’d said that the man was very much like himself with a nice attitude and he was calm to be around. At that time, Cassandra met him at the studio and Brian was busy recording for the film when she was pregnant with George and she was having a hard time being heavily pregnant and Charles being a little too much- Timothy had distracted the boy giving him a tour round the place and Charles showed him his action figure. They bonded fairly well and a couple of times she would have tea with him when he was taking breaks from filming, Brian had his jealousy which led to great sex because of his emotions and anger from arguments during recording but Cassandra went into labour and gave birth to George and she thought the last time she’d see Timothy was when he visited with a card and a stuffed bear for George. Brian after that claimed Timothy was the greatest man who wasn’t in the musical industry. 

Cassandra met Timothy again in 1986 when he had attended one of the Wembley shows for a Kind of Magic and they spent the whole night catching up, Timothy talked to George and Charles while she fed the one year old twins who were fascinated by the man who had a Welsh accent- they exchanged numbers, and when Brian slept with Anita and Cassandra confided in Timothy for comfort but instead got a night with a man who was quite good in bed.

She confessed to Brian who who immediately jealous and livid about the idea, 

“Of course not!” Cassandra exclaimed, “he’s got his own demons at the moment y’know, he hasn’t seen the kids since Christmas because he’s just in a state. He won’t talk to me, or say much else, I’m worried that I’m going to get a phonecall to say he’s commit suicide. He has no idea, I try telling him to tell me how he feels and he insists he’s fine before doting on me like we’re not getting a divorce.”

“John’s the same way, except he hasn’t spoken at all. I haven’t even seen him cry over Freddie and I know how it feels. Our children and especially with Cameron on the way, can I trust John to be a positive influenece?” Veronica smiles, “but he still shows his affection and tells me he loves me.”

Cassandra frowned, “what can I do to show him I want him back..?”

Dominique smirks, “well first you deal with the children and then why don’t you test Brian? If he doesn’t show his feelings, force them out. Call up Timothy, go on that date and see how Brian takes it.”

“He’s just lost Freddie,” Veronica exclaims, “if she’s worried he’ll kill himself, do you think he deserves the ultimate stab?”

Dominique frowned, “he’s pushing her for a Divorce without any sort of reason, what else can she do? Refusing to sign Divorce papers would look pectulant or at least childish, but play him the way he’s playing her. Brian’s a Father his children should be his priority, not Queen and not Divorce papers.”

“The timing of it all,” Cassandra pointed out. “Fred’s funeral was only a couple of weeks ago. He wouldn’t let me leave him in case he burst out into tears, that doesn’t go away in a couple of weeks.”

“At least everything's happening at once, things are always worse before they get better.” Veronica had said with a sad smile, a hand on Cassandra’s shoulder. “But come to think of it, whatever happened to Timothy after you slept with him. You haven’t spoken of him once.”

Cassandra sighed, “Brian didn’t take it so well and he wanted us to work everything out. He didn’t like Timothy as he was nothing but nice to me and even agreed about not seeing each other romantically, over that time we were hanging out as friends sometimes with the kids but Brian didn’t like it and I told Tim and simply said I needed to fix my marriage and we can’t talk anymore.” 

“Brian’s spoken to Anita platonically even after they slept together,” Veronica snapped with a frown on her face. “Freddie always invited her to his parties, he’s got some nerve considering it’s his fault. Sure you slept with another man, but even Brian knows you did it to get back at him and call it even.” 

“I love Brian, sometimes I know I shouldn’t but I love him. I’d do anything for him.” 

“Maybe you need to rethink your position Cassandra,” Veronica sighed looking at the blonde who narrowed her eyes at her words. “It’s clear that you need to move on from him, it’s been five years since he cheated and your marriage has never been all that functional since he cheated, the best of it is, you’re a beautiful, smart woman who shagged a man who was playing James Bond, you could’ve been married to Timothy Dalton. Away from your ex-husband who chooses when he wants you and plays you like a puppet. You deserve better than Brian, Cassandra and I couldn’t care how many excuses you make for him, you’re letting him walk all over you.”

Veronica’s prep talks were nothing like Freddie’s prep talks, Dominique couldn’t compare either. It was times like these where Cassandra craved Freddie to be giving her his advice, he always had the best advice and he knew Brian far better than Veronica and Dominique did. They painted her husband as though he were a man of narrasistic qualities, and toxic. Brian wasn’t the man they painted him to be and Cassandra had been in truly toxic relationships, Brian didn’t know her past before she met him but her past Boyfriends were nothing like Brian, Cassandra had even been struck by an ex-Boyfriend after an arguement. 

Brian was Brian, just like she, he had his demons. Cassandra understood his depression that he called his moments of darkness and Brian understood her battle with an eating disorder, her ex’s never did, her ex’s were one third of the reason she was binging and purging in her late teens and early early twenties. 

“Ronnie, Brian’s a complicated human being,” Cassandra started with an icy tone in her voice as she blinked and watched John’s Wife watch her in interest as though she were one of those exhibits on a documentary. “I’m a complicated human being and Brian has never pushed me to give him normality, he has never once challanged my way of living and he’s a respectful husband who has my best interests and he’s a wonderful Father to his children- you make him out to be some sort of narcasist, as though John hasn’t done you any wrong in your lives. John isn’t a saint, and he knows Brian more than you do just like I know him more than any of you and I won’t have you intervening in my marriage.”

If Freddie had been around, Cassandra knew he would’ve put Veronica in her place. He probably would’ve given her a list of occasions where John played up drunk or sober. She got on well with the other women of Queen, but there were times where she and Veronica couldn’t talk about personal situations or at other times they argued about Religion with Veronica being raised Roman Catholic and Cassandra’s family Prodestants. Cassandra’s religion had never bothered Brian who believed somewhat in the existence of God and knew a couple of quotes from the bible, but not enough to deem himself Religious. Veronica however was rather passionate about her religion and it would lead to disagreements that got petty. Cassandra would fight back in her own defence and Brian would always stick up for Cassandra when she and Veronica would be debating religion, John who would choose to stay quiet would marvel at Brian cutting in and calmly stopping the argument. 

Veronica bashfully apologized and Cassandra nodded, acknowledging her apology. 

Cassandra felt angry at everyone, but Brian. All people seemed to do was talk about her marriage and make her out to be some sort of idiot who was under manipulation by her husband.

She hated it, she knew Brian, and her Brian was nothing like that.

She goes home feeling the need to cry and in the mood for a cuddle from anyone close by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This won't be the only chapter that has Roger or Dominique and Veronica in, it's just building up because I don't want to dive too fast but I thought writing a little more about Cassandra's infidelity would be interesting and I need some conflict in here somewhere. Any ideas or comments, shoot ! I'm waiting for your comments (desperately ;)!)


	5. I Need You In My 1992

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Cassandra have an emotional moment together as Brian suggests ripping the divorce papers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update? Why yes it is ! I'm sorry it's taken so long but I tried to make it worth your while. Plus if you'd like, I posted another story that takes place before this one where it focuses on Brian and Cassandra first meeting so if you want, it's published for you to read.
> 
> Enjoy and don't forget to comment !!!

**Every way I Go, I Have To Lose**

_Chapter Four: I Need You In My 1992_

_December 30th 1991_

_London, England_

* * *

Brian Harold May, 44

_This is it_ , he thought as he chapped the door with his free hand, he exhaled heavily trying to feed himself some air before his nerves suffocated him as he reminded himself of his reason for being there so late at night.

She opened the door failing to hide the surprise on her face as she noticed him there standing eagerly to see her.

"Hi," he said letting himself in and putting down dinner on the kitchen counter. Cassandra was still standing gobsmacked at the door, shutting it and following him. "I- eh, got dinner and got us some vodka. Was a bit bored so I thought I'd drop by. " He was lying through the skin of his teeth, concern running through him since seeing her looking so small under an old shirt that he recognised as his own. 

Looking at him, Cassandra blinked trying to look unsurprised and not at all annoyed at his unexpected arrival. "Oh, that's very sweet of you." She blushed slightly before concern about that Girl Brian had started dating a bit back. "W-where's." She pauses, helping him plate dinner, "does Roger and John know you're here?"

"Of course," he said with a smile. "Told ‘em I need a break from talking about the tribute concert, I need a break from being me.." She nods unsure but unwilling to oppose his generosity. Brian faked a smile inching towards her smaller stance, "I just." Should he say it, should he even give her his real concerns. "Thought you'd be a bit lonely." He lies again, sipping some vodka. "We could have a drink together in this rare moment where there aren't children screaming the place down."

He found himself gazing at his shirt that she was wearing, how did she manage to wear any boring old thing and still look good? “You’re wearing that old thing?” He exclaimed, eyes raking up and down the old tartan shirt that he’d worn a few times back in the seventies. He hadn’t seen the old thing in a long time, seeing it on Cassandra, he thought she rather suited the oversized shirt he used to wear for fixing the house up in. During their marriage, Cassandra had always worn a few of his shirts and jumpers- Brian never had a problem with it nor did he really bother. But there was something about her wearing his shirt in that moment that brought a sense of belonging, maybe a subtle sign that she was still his Girl despite the upcoming divorce. 

“Well, I’ve been cleaning all morning,” Cassandra says as she takes a sip of her drink,  sitting at the table taking small bites of the dish Brian knew she loved. Brian followed digging in eagerly while watching her play with her fork and taking small and disinterested bites. Brian frowns at her actions, putting his knife and fork down to have a better glimpse. She sensed the silence, loss of his cutlery hitting his plate. Brian wanted to voice concern, he just wasn't sure what to say without offending her or looking like a nosey pratt looking for gossip to spread. He was still her husband, he still cared about her as though she were the greatest love of his life.

He wasn't even sure what was wrong with her, he had his ideas but he was scared of being wrong and offending her even bringing up memories that needed forgetting more than resurfaced. "Are you okay?" He asked simply, sipping his vodka with hands shaking at the nervous system inside of him. Cassandra returned a look Brian's heart fluttered at. "You seem, I dunno." He stops mid-sentence thinking of words, "not quite in it- if you understand what I mean."

"I'm fine, honestly. I’m just tired, the kids were bouncing up the walls up until an hour ago." She lies, not wishing to bother him with her struggles. "You don't need to check up on me, Brian." She scolds, eyes locked with his. He shook his head, she'd say that in her daydream, he thought with investigation on his mind. “Unless you’re here because you know you’re welcome here _always_.” 

She was quietly sipping the drink while he quietly ate his food. She watches him, almost unable to hold back the giddy grin she felt tugging at the corners of her lips. She glances at him, this time his eyes slowly cast anticipating that there's an observer on his form. Brian smiles, placing down his fork and looking to Cassandra ready to begin a conversation. "Alright?" He asks, face almost ghostly white without any pink in his cheeks. "You seem to be staring." He added, suddenly backing down from the previous confidence he held moments before. He was nervous, his hazel eyes told her that and his big and coarse hands running through his blow dried brunette curls was another characteristically Brian thing to do when nervous.

"Yeah,I'm just thinking about how it’s been a long long time since we’ve ever sat and had dinner and a drink without the kids about," She replies, casting her eyes on him before looking at the vase of fake flowers in the corner of the tiny kitchen. "It’s been a long time since we were ever this peaceful, _normal_.” He was looking at her, undivided attention might have been the safest of terms for the sudden staring and eyes cast refusing to pull away, she bites her bottom lip playing with the material of her jumper. Checking his watch, Brian smiled softly at the watch-face reading quarter past nine. He turned back to Cassandra sending a polite nod before continuing to eat, looking up after stuffing his mouth.

"Yeah, you’re right. Are you enjoying it though?" He asks, stuttering slightly as his hand cups the back of his neck. Nervous. That stupid liquid courage wearing off quicker than a flash of light. She smiles softly taking small bites from the vegetarian dish. 

Cassandra nodded in reply, “takes me back to the old days. You used to sneak into my flat with dinner then we’d talk and talk until the early hours.”

“ _Talking_?” He echoed with a smirk, “darling we _both_ know dirty talk doesn’t count as a standardised conversation.” He chuckles, “then again, I was the one who did the _most_ talking.”

They stared at each other looking up from their plates, and there was so much in the air. Both were certain that they could just reach out and the action would be accepted and returned -- mirrored images stretching to embrace. But neither made that move. Even when they later sat next to each other on the couch and stared instead, frightened at all they could express by sight alone.

_ It was like they'd never before spoken and now didn't know how to start. _

_ Or had they spent their entire marriage speaking all the while forgetting how to feel? _

In the comfortable silence built between them, Cassandra rest her head onto the headrest of her settee, Brian placed his half empty glass of vodka back on the coffee table and sat down beside her. "Why are you here?" She was curious at one end, concerned at the other for Brian. What if it was his discrete cry for help and the only reason he was there was because he needed someone just to show a little genuine care for him. She knew that feeling, he’d been the one to show her that her thoughts had been wrong and she was cared for and all she wanted was to show him that she loved him more than anything.

The thought of losing her husband, sickened her. Even more looking at a worried Brian who looked to have a million thoughts in his mind at that time. Expecting an answer from him, she was a little disappointed when Brian said nothing but instead shrugs and following his response was just simple, “thought you’d be lonely. Besides, it’s the last uneventful day of 1991 so I’m reminding myself why I need you in my 1992."

She takes a deep breath, a shaky one in Brian's ears and he turns his body to face her suddenly sitting up.

“What?” She blubbered, shock stretching across her face. “What do you mean by that?” 

Brian looking at her with compassionate eyes and a gentleness about him just made her want to dodge it to spare his feelings being hurt. Brian was different than every man she had come across, the dynamic of their relationship was so different to what she and any other man had. There was a passion deep down and she was simply too afraid to admit it. 

“Cassandra I _don’t_ want a divorce.” He nods acknowledging his own truthful words, letting a hand stretch over and resting behind her head on that headrest. "I want to stay married- _to you_ ," he said, simply making no further comment. Understanding that whatever he said, probably wouldn't benefit her in any way. She’d probably been played and tossed aside by him too many times to want to risk getting hurt and Brian had grown to accept disappointment as his predictability. 

Engrossed in a silence that was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable, Brian studied Cassandra’s expression and the way she furrowed her eyebrows lost in thought. She felt his gaze on her and turned to glance at him, “you want to stay _married_?” She asked, stuttering as if the very idea was absolutely preposterous and terrifying all at once. “I mean, I never wanted you to leave in the first place but you were so set on this divorce I don’t understand.” She chuckles awkwardly, “why the sudden change of heart?”

Brian thought about it, why did he suddenly want to return to the life he had been so desperate to leave when he slept with Anita Dobson. He thought hard about everything, He felt he’d been so naive and caught up in Queen and touring that he hadn’t been around long enough to feel attached to his family, now that five years had almost past since Queen’s last tour and a month after Freddie’s death also the death of Queen. Brian was terrified that the same would happen with Cassandra, he’d wake up one day and like Freddie, she wouldn’t be there. Since Freddie died, he’d been around Cassandra to the point that he’d grown to look at her in a new light and not just as his Wife. He thought single Parenting was easier than playing the Red Special to thousands of people when in reality, he now felt parenting was truly difficult and terrifying. His two sons that were teenagers, probably embarrassed by their Rockstar Dad, his twin daughters who one minute called him a stupid idiot and then refused to let go of him the next, then his two year old who had never left his side like the others who had all been used to the touring. 

Maybe it was Amelia that urged him to try again, she was the one child he had left who didn’t see him as a famous man. Lauren and Emma saw him as a Dad who put everything before them and they sometimes grew confident he didn’t love them while Charles and George knew him so little, that they saw him like their teacher, there were boundaries and they refused to speak of their problems to him because they felt they hardly knew him.

“Well I’ve had time to think since Fred died,” Brian said with a sad shrug blinking away a strong emotion that started to overcome him. “I’ve had time to adjust to life without the stupid stage, without being treated like some other stuck up bastard in a famous group.” A loud sniffle made its way to his nose as Brian turned, feeling embarrassed about crying in front of his Wife. “I’ve been tracing every step that I’ve done wrong and I’ve realised how much of a terrible person I am, I never understood your way in living because I was so hung up on being in the band and being known, but I should’ve been here with you. I’ve failed you as a husband, but for some reason, I just want to hold you and put aside the bad things. I just want the life I wanted _before_ Queen was famous, except I’m happily married with children that love me.”

“Bri-”

He shook his head waving Cassandra off, “but I can’t make it up to them. I can’t just erase Queen and I can’t even pretend that I’ve been a good Father. But I want to try, just like I want to rip the fucking divorce papers up, and remain your husband even though you deserve a hell of a lot better than me.”

Cassandra slowly shushed him off and put her two hands on Brian’s warm cheeks. “Look at me,” she firmly said with her eyes searching for his, her thumbs gently rubbed against his cheeks curling at the feeling of his heavy stubble spiking her thumb tips. Brian’s sorrowful frown softened as he returned the intense eye contact. 

But he felt pathetic, he wasn’t good enough for her and his mind kept telling him that sharply. His hands began to shake, and he licked his bottom lip trying to distract himself from his emotions. Every emotion just seemed to wash through him, flinching at Cassandra’s hands brushing his stubble, he suddenly wanted to get away from her and quickly. 

He didn’t dare budge, a sob burst from his chest letting his emotions get the better of him. He felt like the biggest enemy there was, the world's most horrible man. “I hate myself, I hate myself so much.” He examines her features, freckles on display like flecked paint on a canvas of porcelain silk. Strands of her blonde hair dangled over her cheekbones while the rest of her was tidily sitting on her shoulders in a half ponytail making an ethereal and angelic display of her form. He ran a hand through her hair and let the feeling of it tickle his calloused fingertips while her soft forehead was against his lips as he had unconsciously leaned down to kiss her on the forehead.

Cassandra returned the gesture only instead, she returned her hands to his cheeks and pulled him into her lips, kissing him softly and without passion, just closeness. She pulled away and rested her forehead against his, brushing away his falling tears. “I love you, so so much Brian.” She said simply, frowning at his shaky sigh. “No matter what, I will always be there by your side. Even if you decided to shave all your hair off, I’ll be here waiting for you.”

He chuckles breathlessly, his sharp canines sticking out as he rubbed his forehead against hers. “Something tells me you’d prefer me with shorter hair.” He weakly joked, his voice feeling raspy and gruff. He continued to smile, even though he had more losses than takes. Cassandra simply knew him too well, she would always let him cry and be as emotional as he wanted and instead of feeding him compliments, boosting his ego like a groupie and putting herself down in order to make him feel better- she simply cupped his face, to him she loved him and cuddled him until he didn’t have any more tears. Sometimes, words meant less than gestures, it reminded him of the time Cassandra found out she was pregnant for the very first time- unplanned and dreaded. She cried, she talked about how they didn’t have the money, they were friends-with-benefits and they simply weren’t ready. He just took her in his arms until she could breathe, whispering sweet little nothings in her ear. It was always the gesture that meant more than the words, Brian revelled in it. Feeling her cuddling against him, head resting on his shoulder, she felt like home, she made him feel safe and wanted. Previous thoughts of ending his life were calming and the storm slowly settled, his self-destructing thoughts hadn’t completely gone but he felt calm enough to be able to rest against his Wife.

Cassandra simply smiled, pulling away from him and taking his hand in hers. “Let’s get some sleep, I think a nice good night’s sleep might help you wind down, Bri.” Cassandra said softly walking him to their bedroom. He’d smiled seeing all the photographs on the walls, of the kids, the band and just some intimate shots of them both from the pre-marriage years and a couple from before Queen became famous. 

Climbing into bed, Brian let out a breath while Cassandra simply watched him as she lay on her side of the bed. They weren’t thinking about sex, they just wanted to sleep in each others’ arms as a husband and Wife should. Brian just wanted to sleep, knowing that the dark thoughts would be back either soon or in the morning as soon as he wakes up and he desperately tried putting his head down and closing his heavy eyes, squeezing Cassandra’s shoulder while she lay her head on his chest. 

He just needed to remind himself of the things he had, he just needed the comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was originally gonna be some smut, I will admit... There was going to be some good old smut. But then I ended up being happy with what I already had and I don't want to take away the emotion or the sort of progression and development between Brian and Cassandra. 
> 
> I had the idea that there would be smut and then bam they're back together again, but then when I thought about it... It's silly and I wanted to keep up my slow burn since the thing I love about either ships or love stories is the emotional scene rather than the smut under the cut... You know what I mean?

**Author's Note:**

> I died while writing this, like, my heart is just broken. I haven't a clue what possessed me to write it, but I found it in my Harddrive as a part of my deleted series and I was like, maybe I should post this... Anyways, feel free to comment !!!


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